My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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