I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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