had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
