I'm jealous of your bromance
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize