Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
