apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
