Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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