Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
