You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
