I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
you inspire me to be a worse person
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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