im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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