you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
