I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
