Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
