the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
