Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
