she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
