im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
