You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
