My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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