Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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