Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize