Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
