I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
