my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
