I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
