Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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