My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
two words...techno handjob
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
