then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
