I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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