Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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