ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize