Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
