The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Someone shattered a urinal.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
