well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
