I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize