Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
