do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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