If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
