My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
