i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
