i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
