you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
