Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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