literally had 100 drinks last night.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
