My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
