All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
