i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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