The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
