if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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