I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
