I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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