Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
