I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
