I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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