i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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