what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
nutella sex= disaster
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
