Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
