you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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