I CAN MOONWALK!
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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